Will Nett's News, Blogs, Articles and Short Stories


You're That F****** Author Aren't You?

25th July 2018
(Blog Posting)

     People often ask me about being an author; the women, the drugs, the library cataloguing systems etc, but before they can make meaningful eye contact with me I have them removed by my bodyguards, now that I'm famous and everything.

     Around 10% of the time is taken up by writing, the rest fannying around with invoices, publishers and looking for a pen down the back of the settee. It does however throw up potential material, in the form of the following exchanges.


ME: (reluctantly) I'm an author.

'What do you write?'

Non-fiction, mainly.

'Is that the one that's real, or the other one?'

ME: The one that's real.

'I like the other one.'


ME: (presenting a copy of one of my books to a colleague) You should read this; but then I would say that as I wrote it.

*puzzled laughter*         

'Yeah, good one. Will...same name.'

ME: (pointing at the cover) That's me. That's my book. That's my name.

'Same name. That could be anyone called Will.'

ME: You think I would present a copy of a book by an author with the same first name as me, and pretend that I'd wrote it?

(looking at me like I'm slightly delusional) 'You might do.'


At a book signing...

"I've written a book. Well, sort of; it's not finished yet.'

ME: Ok

'It's more of an idea really.'

ME: What's it about?

'A sci-fi thing. I've designed the action figures. I just need to finish the book.'

ME: *silence* and mouth wide open incredulity.

'I've sent a copy of the first draft to Oprah Winfrey.'

ME: *more silence, but louder this time*


At a book signing...

'Would you sign this for me, please?'

ME: No problem. Who should I make it out to?

'It's for my husband.'

ME: What's he call...

(interrupting) 'He's at the match, the ****ing arsehole.'


Slightly inebriated exchange with someone who has just been told I'm an author...

'You're not writing about me are you?'

ME: No.

'Why not?'

I just met you about 6 minutes ago.

'Are you gonna write about me?'

ME: No.

'Why not?'

People who ask me if I'm going to write about them usually aren't worth writing about, and when I tell them this they take it personally.

'You should ****ing write about me.'

ME: I probably will but I'll change your name or something so you won't know.

'What to?'

ME: Something bland as **** like Nigel, probably.

'I'm called Nigel.'

I'm definitely going to write about you now.


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You're That F****** Author Aren't You?

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Will Nett
Will Nett
(United Kingdom)

Gonzo-scribbling, Francophile road roamer, cum meta-fiction story collector.